10 August 2006

Fun with Calvinism and other oxymorons

Posted in God's music should be divine at 5:57 pm by indecisive79

I found a post on badchristian.com that got me to thinking about how we can educate the young of our church in vital aspects of theology that have heretofore been quite ignored: let’s name our concerts after key ideas from the history of theology.  Here’s the main idea that I started in the comments at Brandon’s page, in response to a youtube clip of very excited Christian Rock concert-goers:

Not knowing the band in the video, I first thought they were named Limited (from the lights in the back of the stage). But there are two bands, so I assume that it’s the name of the concert. Regardless, I was hoping that this was a reference to the middle (and most unfortunate (largely b/c it was heavily indebted to nascent capitalism instead of, you know, the Bible)) consonant of TULIP. Wouldn’t it be great to do a separate festival/concert based on all of TULIP. Perseverance would, of course, last forever (or at least feel like it). Irresistable would feature only hot young artists which nevertheless the young lads and lasses will avoid lusting over. Unconditional lets any band who wants to take the stage, talent completely optional. Limited, I presume, refers to the very limited audiences who might find such a festival enjoyable (only certifiably saved and very committed youth group officers need apply). Oh wait! These all refer to the same concet/festival! I guess if people want an alternative, they can go to Total Depravity, also known as MTV Spring Break, or maybe even Cornerstone.  Who knew that you could actually have so much fun with Calvinism!

But imagine the possibilities for even non-Reformed based concerts.  You could have the Free Will concert (everyone dressing up like Shakespeare or a large whale or a 70s San Diegan news caster gets in for no charge).  Or how about the rival shows, Mid- or Post-Trib? You Make the Call vs. the Lahaye and Jenkins formally sanctioned Left Behind (TM): the Concert.  The former would be a new band showcase in which the audience gets to choose, based on opinion of the music and theological views, whether a band gets to play three and a half or seven songs; the latter features the artists’ backup tracks blaring at 100 dB to a mostly empty auditorium, with the only people in the room being a pair of friends of an outgoing youth group member and a couple CCM executives standing just offstage.  Or how about the Extreme Literalism tour, where they throw out Iraqi children to get their brains smashed out on rocks and thrown back onto stage before the concert can begin (Psalm 137), or when they go to certain not-friendly-to-open-theology institutions of higher education in the upper Midwest, complete debachery (you know, like card playing, watching PG-13 movies, and girls wearing skirts that rise above mid-shin) breaks out for the entire concert (Amos 4.4) (needless to say, nearly all the male attendees of these concerts have only one hand and no eyes…).  Finally, the CBWM show features the nicest performers and audiences in the world; there’s not a whole lot of music going on because all of the color-coordinated and fashion-conscious individuals in the building spend all their time saying really nice things about each other, just as the Bible requires.

What’s that you say?  Such a naming scheme is completely vacuous and devoid of any actual theological content despite the claim of the label?  Umm, how’s that different from what “C””C””M” now offers?  (Talk among yourselves.  Here’s a topic: “Contemporary” “Christian” “Music” is neither…)


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